He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
