Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
someone owes me an orgasm
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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