There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
