I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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