Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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