Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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