I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
