I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
only you would photoshop your dick
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
