I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
