she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
