i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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