I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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