It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
