no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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