you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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