She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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