Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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