Texts From Last Night

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  (305): View more from Florida

  alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.

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  (305): alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog. http://tfl.nu/iy0a
  Replies (15) Good night (1221) Bad night (3301)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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  (802): Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami." http://tfl.nu/q4af
  Replies (17) Good night (739) Bad night (3959)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

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  (732): i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!! http://tfl.nu/t5uq
  Replies (80) Good night (7586) Bad night (2726)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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  (763): My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries. http://tfl.nu/9ep5
  Replies (8) Good night (4850) Bad night (1349)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.

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  (301): the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off. http://tfl.nu/vq2t
  Replies (8) Good night (6232) Bad night (892)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

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  (906): I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap. http://tfl.nu/cxzw
  Replies (5) Good night (1876) Bad night (2802)
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  (682): View more from Texas

  Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.

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  (682): Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight. http://tfl.nu/gbse
  Replies (5) Good night (2595) Bad night (1118)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.

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  (781): Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in. http://tfl.nu/jeg6
  Replies (2) Good night (1758) Bad night (749)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help

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  (609): TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help http://tfl.nu/xrr6
  Replies (5) Good night (868) Bad night (417)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew

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  (716): I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew http://tfl.nu/lady
  Replies (4) Good night (1098) Bad night (323)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.

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  (407): I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic. http://tfl.nu/0g5m
  Replies (1) Good night (603) Bad night (226)
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.

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  (561): His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger. http://tfl.nu/j2rh
  Replies (3) Good night (359) Bad night (1045)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda

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  (719): I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda http://tfl.nu/ejn7
  Replies (1) Good night (515) Bad night (255)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.

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  (203): No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home. http://tfl.nu/r9pd
  Replies (2) Good night (441) Bad night (279)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.

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  (508): I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking. http://tfl.nu/8mby
  Replies (0) Good night (272) Bad night (313)

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