I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
