I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
