you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
