GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
