you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
