Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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