she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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