it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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