Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
not ubering you a puppy
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
