note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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