Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
