I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
