Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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