I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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