I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
