By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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