he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
