I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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