I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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