i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
