Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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