Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
