I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
