If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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