I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
