I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
