We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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