I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
