i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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