Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
