Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
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Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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