4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
