she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
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I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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