Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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